on a moment


via weheartit

Something about reading what alex wrote under her big bright moon picture when someone asked her what she’s doing now that she’s graduated makes me cry. Out of happiness for her, and such a tangible sadness for me. I feel stagnant, stuck, and at the same time so unrooted. I want to be studying permaculture and being around people and in places that support what I believe and can teach me – I feel like I’m always teaching. That’s so untrue and unfair, I learn from everyone, but I am slowly becoming able to identify what it is I wish to know and how it is I want to continue in my life. It is these things, and these methods and energies that I wish to be able to internalize a little more. I suppose I should start researching a bunch online, getting books that explain to me – but it’s so much about the raw humanness and natural symphonies of beings. I want to take off- but how? When? Am I meant to sit tight until the “right time” or am I meant to make it happen for myself? Why do I feel so much pressure all around me when it’s mostly coming from within me? I don’t feel like there’s any future to anything I’m doing – Even a month from now a lot will have changed. Am I meant to be staying in one place to better deal with it, balance it, not tip my boat over? As opposed to just fleeing it, changing it myself instead of letting the change come to me? My relationships, my house, my family, my job – all changing. Significantly. I don’t want to just blame these emotions on my period although it should be coming. I’m frustrated with myself and my situation. I want to be independent with dependence. On people. Not things. If I stay here it will be on things. And so if I choose to stay here I need to understand that. But going so far away is so scary too. Maybe there’s a beautiful medium I’m meant to come across. Maybe I just need to be patient. Maybe I’m just supposed to be breathing throughout this whole thing. Maybe I’m not fully committed to finding a job or a something or even a place so that I’d be forced to stay here. I don’t really want to. 


{Kuntsrule stories are written by our readers. Share your own at Kuntsrule Submission.}


2 thoughts on “on a moment

  1. You are beautiful. One thing ive learned is that there are many sides to peoples stories. What we see about them on facebook or at a party, etc. Is only a refection, an image, an essence which is more truely understood with time and interaction. Everyone has battles, big or small. We all have doubts and insecurities, I believe it is about what we do with them. Its about how we take those frustrations and our immense personal and universal intelligence and push out the unnecessary emotions to create new space, creativity and action upon this mix. Just writing about these feelings is a way. But continue to live,love and play, as Iit sounds like you do beautifully. Be patient, make baby steps and most importantly be patient young grasshopper! ( not that you are my pupil, but a pupil of universal intelligence, a pupil of the beautiful godess in all of us). Someone recently taught me whenever you dont know what to do or something doeant feel right, dont do anything. Dont move, stay in your body and feel what is right to do next. This has helped me in many situations and hopefully I will master this way one day. I slip up, often, as many of us do. Never lose that magical spirit you have lovely. Continue to teach and to plant seeds, no matter how big or small, of beauty and grace and pure essential love!

    • @ssassafrass – thank you for bringing us into your space and providing support to all of us kunts. this is awesome, and the spirit through your words provides more connection than you may even realize. so much love from all of us everywhere

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